When It Feels Like God Is Silent
Where is God when you're grieving?
“Where is God when you're grieving?”
It's a question almost every widow asks at some point.
Sometimes we don't say it out loud because we're afraid of what it means.
If God feels silent, does that mean I don't have enough faith?
Maybe I haven't prayed enough.
Maybe I haven't read enough Scripture.
Maybe I haven't trusted Him enough.
Maybe if I just did more, He would finally show me what to do.
I've been there.
After Jon died, I went through some very dark valleys when it felt like God wasn't there.
I struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time. During this season, I was reading my Bible. I was praying. I was trying to understand what God was doing and trying desperately to trust Him in the middle of it.
But God seemed silent.
The God I loved and trusted wasn't showing me the way out.
It was the hardest season of my life.
And when you're hurting that deeply, it's easy to turn inward.
Why me?
Why did Jon have to die?
Why am I struggling so much?
When is this going to end?
I was still grieving deeply, and it felt like there was no relief in sight.
And then there was the spiritual guilt.
I felt like I should be trusting God more.
I should be doing better.
I should have more faith.
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Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Why Grief Feels Like You're Going Backward
Losing my husband has been the most difficult experience of my life.
Just trying to process the reality of it was overwhelming. My mind knew Jon had died, but my heart didn't want to believe it. For a while, I lived in denial and tried to carry on like it hadn't happened.
But it had.
And eventually I had to face it.
As I began trying to figure out what life was going to look like without Jon, I felt like I kept running into a brick wall. We had been married for 11 years, and my life revolved around him, especially after he got sick. Suddenly, all of that was gone, and I felt completely lost.
There would be moments when the grief would ease, and I would start to feel like I was finally moving forward.
Then, out of nowhere, something would trigger it, and I would feel like I was right back to the day he died.
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