Giving yourself grace when a season of life feels impossibly long
Fall has fully arrived in all its glory here in New Hampshire, and it’s beautiful. The leaves are bright reds, oranges, and yellows, our deck is covered with fallen leaves, pumpkins are everywhere, and the temperature is getting cooler.
While summer is definitely my favorite season (I love being warm), I truly love the seasons we have here.
There is something special about watching the world change around us.
The trees change color. The leaves fall. The days get shorter. Winter comes. Eventually the snow melts, the flowers begin to bloom, and summer returns.
Each season has its own beauty.
But I've also learned that appreciating the changing seasons of the year doesn't mean I appreciate every season of life.
Some seasons of life are hard. Really hard.
And sometimes they last a whole lot longer than we thought they would.
If you've ever lived through a New Hampshire winter, you know what I mean.
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Building a New Life One Small Decision at a Time
How small decisions can help you move forward after loss
When Jon died, I couldn't imagine what my life was going to look like.
I couldn't imagine getting through the next week, much less the next seventeen years.
I didn't know how I was going to raise my kids without him. I didn't know how I was going to provide for them, manage our home, make all the decisions, or figure out what came next.
I certainly didn't know that someday I would move to a different state, build a new piano studio, make new friends, get married again, and watch my children grow into adults.
I couldn't see any of that.
And maybe that's one of the hardest things about losing your spouse. Your entire future changes in an instant, but you don't get a new map showing you where to go from there. You just have to start walking.
As I look back, I can see I didn't build a new life through one big decision.
I built it through hundreds of small decisions.
One day at a time.
One step at a time.
One decision at a time.
In the beginning, some of those decisions were very small.
Get out of bed.
Take a shower.
Make dinner.
Pay a bill.
Take care of the kids.
Go to church.
Answer the phone.
Accept someone's help.
There were days when those things didn't feel small at all.
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Looking Back and Seeing God's Faithfulness
Finding God's Faithfulness After Loss
After Jon passed, I didn’t know how we were going to make it. There were so many questions running through my mind.
How am I going to be able to do this without Jon?
How can I raise my kids alone?
How am I going to be able to provide for my kids?
Am I going to have to get a job outside the home?
Will I still be able to homeschool, or will I have to put them in school?
Will I be able to stay in my house?
How am I going to manage the house and the cars on my own?
How can I help my kids process what has happened when I can barely hold things together?
This is just the tip of the iceberg. And if you’ve lost your spouse, you know the overwhelming questions that seem to be ever-present.
Even with all these questions, I knew God was faithful and that He would provide. But I didn’t know how. Sometimes the unknown caused anxiety and worry about the future. I wanted to know how everything was going to be taken care of, and I wanted to be able to control the outcome.
But that’s not how God works. He asks us to trust Him.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
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Finding Joy Without Feeling Guilty
Is It Okay to Be Happy After Losing Your Spouse?
This is a difficult topic to talk about. There are so many opinions out there about what is acceptable for a widow after losing her husband. And it can be hard to do what you feel is right when the expectations don’t align with that.
It IS okay to be happy after losing your spouse.
I know that’s an easy statement to make and much harder to live out.
After Jon passed, I was so tired, so sad, and I missed him dreadfully. I couldn’t imagine being happy again. Sure, there were moments when someone told a funny joke, or my kids did something that made me smile, but the joy had diminished.
Grief is hard. It weighs you down, and sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe.
It starts with the shock and the thoughts of “this can’t be happening.” You kind of move through the motions, but everything seems like you’re in a dream.
Then the harsh reality starts to set in, and you realize he’s really gone. He’s never coming back. You have to do this alone.
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Starting Over Doesn't Mean Starting From Scratch
Starting Over After Losing Your Spouse
Starting over.
Those words are sobering to anyone who has lost a spouse. It’s something that is pushed on you whether you want it or not. It’s not something you look forward to. It’s an added weight on top of the heavy grief you’re already experiencing.
There were so many ways I had to “start over” after Jon passed.
I became the sole provider.
I was now a single parent.
I had to run a household alone.
I had to keep up with the finances and bills.
I had to make all the decisions by myself.
I didn’t ask for all that responsibility, and I didn’t want it. I just wanted my husband back. It’s an unseen part of becoming a widow that no one realizes, and it compounds the grief you are already experiencing.
I was literally starting over with my life. And it was hard and felt so unfair.
I didn't understand why this was part of God's plan.
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