Do You Ever Stop Being a Widow?
Why widowhood remains part of my story nearly 17 years later
This post is the first in a series called What People Don't Understand About Widowhood, where I'll be sharing some of the realities of grief, healing, faith, and rebuilding life after loss that people often don't see.
One of the questions people don't ask out loud, but often seem to wonder, is this:
At some point, do you stop being a widow?
After all, it's been nearly 17 years since Jon passed away.
My children are grown.
One has graduated from college, and the other is entering his senior year.
I've rebuilt a life I never expected to have.
And I've been happily remarried to Heath for over eight years.
From the outside, it might seem like widowhood belongs in my past.
But the answer is no.
I am still a widow.
And I am also a wife.
Both things are true.
When Jon died, widowhood felt like the only thing I could see. Everything in my life was divided into "before" and "after."
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Simple, practical ways to support someone who is grieving without adding to their burden.
One of the questions I get asked occasionally is, “What’s the best way to help someone after they lose a spouse?”
Most people genuinely want to help. They care deeply and want to ease the pain somehow. But grief can be uncomfortable, and sometimes our desire to help is really about making ourselves feel better.
If you're helping someone who has experienced loss, don't do it to check a box. Don't do it because you feel obligated.
Give because you care.
Give because you see a need.
Give because you miss the person who died and want to honor their family.
As a widow, I can tell you that practical help often means more than people realize.
When my husband died, it wasn’t just losing him. It was the loss of everything he did.
Suddenly there was no one helping with the house, the yard, the finances, the car repairs, the decision making, or the countless little things that happened behind the scenes every day.
The weight of that can feel overwhelming.
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Understanding the deep fatigue that comes with losing a spouse
When I lost my husband unexpectedly, I felt like I was suddenly swimming upstream in a river of responsibilities I wasn’t prepared to face alone.
I wasn’t just grieving.
I was suddenly a single mother.
The sole decision maker.
The sole provider.
And the weight of that responsibility felt almost unbearable at times.
The exhaustion that came with grieving while trying to navigate life alone was unlike anything I had ever experienced.
Grief exhaustion is real.
And it’s not just “feeling tired.”
It’s a deep, bone-weary fatigue that affects you emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. It leaves you feeling foggy, drained, overwhelmed, and often unable to focus on even simple tasks.
Some days, just getting through the basics feels exhausting.
And when you’re grieving the loss of a spouse, there are so many layers contributing to that exhaustion.
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Keeping your focus on Christ in the middle of difficult circumstances
One of the hardest parts about walking through grief is learning where to place your focus.
When difficult circumstances hit, it’s so easy to become consumed by them. The fear. The uncertainty. The overwhelm. The constant feeling like you can’t quite catch your breath.
And if I’m honest, this is something I still struggle with.
It’s easy for me to get caught up in everything happening around me and lose sight of Christ in the middle of it. Sometimes I focus so much on the fire itself that I forget what God may be doing through it.
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Letting Go of the Need to Explain Your Choices to Others
I’ve always had a tendency to overexplain things.
Not because anyone necessarily asked, but because I felt like I needed to justify what I was doing. As if my decisions needed to make sense to everyone around me in order to be valid.
After Jon passed, that feeling got even stronger.
I found myself explaining things that, when I look back now, really didn’t need an explanation at all.
I explained why I was able to stay home with my kids.
I explained how I could afford to add an addition onto our house.
I explained why I stopped wearing my wedding ring after nine months.
I explained why I chose to keep homeschooling instead of putting my kids in school.
I explained why I moved from Maine to New Hampshire.
And later…
I explained when I started dating.
I explained when I got remarried.
No matter what I did, it seemed like there were opinions.
Some people thought I was moving forward too quickly.
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