Why Moving On Isn’t My Goal
Learning to carry grief instead of leaving it behind
One of the phrases I’ve never quite connected with after loss is the idea of “moving on.”
It sounds neat. Clean. Final.
As if grief is something you eventually walk away from, close the door on, and leave behind.
But that has never been my experience. And I truly don’t think that’s how healing works.
After Jon passed away, I remember feeling like I was supposed to reach a point where everything would eventually feel “finished.” Like there would be a day when I would wake up and no longer feel the weight of loss.
But what I’ve learned over time is that grief doesn’t work on a finish line.
It changes.
It softens.
It shifts.
But it doesn’t disappear.
For me, the goal has never been to move on from Jon. The goal has been to move forward with my life while still carrying the reality of his absence.
There is a big difference between those two things.
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Missing Someone Isn’t the Same as Being Stuck in Grief
Why love and loss can coexist long after life moves forward
One of the things people often misunderstand about widowhood is the idea that if you still miss someone, you must not be “moving forward.”
I’ve heard versions of this over the years, sometimes spoken gently and sometimes just implied. The assumption is that healing means the absence of grief. That if you are doing well, functioning, rebuilding life, or even finding joy again, then the missing should disappear too.
But that’s not how grief works.
And it’s not how love works either.
Missing Jon today does not mean I am stuck in the past. It simply means he mattered deeply in my life. There is a difference between being stuck in grief and still carrying love for someone who is no longer here.
For me, grief has changed shape over the years. It is no longer the constant, heavy weight it once was in the early days. I am not living in survival mode anymore. I am not waking up every day trying to figure out how to get through the next hour.
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Do You Ever Stop Being a Widow?
Why widowhood remains part of my story nearly 17 years later
This post is the first in a series called What People Don't Understand About Widowhood, where I'll be sharing some of the realities of grief, healing, faith, and rebuilding life after loss that people often don't see.
One of the questions people don't ask out loud, but often seem to wonder, is this:
At some point, do you stop being a widow?
After all, it's been nearly 17 years since Jon passed away.
My children are grown.
One has graduated from college, and the other is entering his senior year.
I've rebuilt a life I never expected to have.
And I've been happily remarried to Heath for over eight years.
From the outside, it might seem like widowhood belongs in my past.
But the answer is no.
I am still a widow.
And I am also a wife.
Both things are true.
When Jon died, widowhood felt like the only thing I could see. Everything in my life was divided into "before" and "after."
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Simple, practical ways to support someone who is grieving without adding to their burden.
One of the questions I get asked occasionally is, “What’s the best way to help someone after they lose a spouse?”
Most people genuinely want to help. They care deeply and want to ease the pain somehow. But grief can be uncomfortable, and sometimes our desire to help is really about making ourselves feel better.
If you're helping someone who has experienced loss, don't do it to check a box. Don't do it because you feel obligated.
Give because you care.
Give because you see a need.
Give because you miss the person who died and want to honor their family.
As a widow, I can tell you that practical help often means more than people realize.
When my husband died, it wasn’t just losing him. It was the loss of everything he did.
Suddenly there was no one helping with the house, the yard, the finances, the car repairs, the decision making, or the countless little things that happened behind the scenes every day.
The weight of that can feel overwhelming.
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Understanding the deep fatigue that comes with losing a spouse
When I lost my husband unexpectedly, I felt like I was suddenly swimming upstream in a river of responsibilities I wasn’t prepared to face alone.
I wasn’t just grieving.
I was suddenly a single mother.
The sole decision maker.
The sole provider.
And the weight of that responsibility felt almost unbearable at times.
The exhaustion that came with grieving while trying to navigate life alone was unlike anything I had ever experienced.
Grief exhaustion is real.
And it’s not just “feeling tired.”
It’s a deep, bone-weary fatigue that affects you emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. It leaves you feeling foggy, drained, overwhelmed, and often unable to focus on even simple tasks.
Some days, just getting through the basics feels exhausting.
And when you’re grieving the loss of a spouse, there are so many layers contributing to that exhaustion.
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