Being a widow can be messy. Grief is unpredictable and shows up at unexpected times. In late February I had a particularly difficult week.
I took a quick trip to Maine by myself to attend a Celebration of Life for a dear man who had a profound influence in Jon’s life. Jeff was a Godly man that poured his heart and soul into discipleship, and Jon benefited greatly from his ministry. The last time I saw Jeff was in November, and he knew he would not be around much longer. His cancer had spread to his brain, and he was ready. His joy was contagious as he looked forward to Heaven. We had the opportunity to chat, and he said to me, with tears in his eyes, “I can’t wait to pray with Jon again.” We hugged, and that was the last time I saw him.
Read more...I can’t tell you exactly how it all occurred, or when we became interested in each other, but we did. I knew Heath from church. We were both involved in the music at church, so we would see each other pretty regularly at rehearsals. We would talk at rehearsal and at church on Sunday mornings and once in a while we would chat on social media. The more we talked, the more I liked him.
And then it happened.
On Valentine’s Day, 2016, Heath asked me for my phone number. He called me a couple days later and asked me out on a date. My first date since Jon had passed. My stomach did flip flops, but of course I said yes!
I was feeling ALL the feelings. Excited, nervous, unsure, happy...it was overwhelming. I tried not to get too far ahead of myself, but I wondered what God was up to. When I told my kids that I had a date, Jillian said, “Is Mr. Bailey going to be our new Dad?” I explained to her that it didn’t quite work that way - it takes time and many dates before deciding on a big commitment like that.
When I first became a widow, I never thought I would remarry. Falling in love and getting married again was something I was very opposed to. But God had other plans.
Shortly after Jon passed in July of 2009, Jillian, who was 7 at the time asked me, “Are we going to get a new Daddy?” I was completely surprised by this question and wasn’t sure how to respond. It had literally only been a few weeks since Jon passed, and I wasn’t ready to even begin to think about anything like that.
Of course, in her mind, it was the most logical thing in the world. It just made sense that a family had a mommy AND a daddy. So I told her the only thing I could, and that was for her to pray about it.
Read more...Being a widow is a journey that I never anticipated I would experience. I don't know why God chose to put me on this path, but I do know that He has been with me every step of the way. I want to share some surprising things that I have discovered along the way, and if you are experiencing these things too, know you are not alone.
1. It won’t always feel this intense.
The shock of fresh grief can be incredibly heavy. It consumes your entire being. But it won’t always feel like this. I wish I could give you a timeline, but everyone’s grief journey is unique to them. But I can tell you that over time, the intensity will ease.
2. Grief sneaks up on you at unexpected times.
An anniversary, birthday, holiday can all be triggers for grief. But sometimes grief takes you by surprise - a smell, a commercial, a reflex to call your deceased spouse. Grief is not linear. It ebbs and flows and sometimes shows up out of the blue. This is completely normal, although I know it can be unanticipated.
Read more...When Christmas Feels Heavy
Christmas is a season of joy and celebration. We celebrate Christ’s miraculous birth to a world that desperately needed a Savior.In this season of gladness and festivity, it can be easy to feel depressed and lonely. You see the Christmas decorations and lights and just can’t gather up enough energy to put yours up. You want to be excited and cheerful, but it just feels so hard. Your heart just isn’t in it.
Grief may still be very fresh for you, and the happiness around you may feel impossible to muster. It can be easy for the weight of grief to make your spirit feel heavy, instead of hopeful.
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