Yesterday marked 16 years since Jon passed away.
Today would have been our 27th wedding anniversary.
And even now—after all this time—we still miss him. The ache of loss doesn’t vanish. It softens and shifts over time, but it never quite disappears. Especially not during weeks like this.
This week is always difficult. Grief is strange like that—sometimes it’s predictable, and sometimes it catches you off guard in the middle of an ordinary moment. An old photo. A song. A memory. Or just the quiet absence of someone who once filled every part of your life.
Read more...For a long time, I believed I had to choose.
Grief or gratitude.
Brokenness or healing.
Fear or faith.
Love for my late husband or love for someone new.
But God has gently taught me something so powerful—it’s not always either/or. Sometimes, it’s both/and.
There is such freedom in the word AND.
I can grieve AND be grateful.
I can miss what was AND embrace what is.
I can love the life I had AND the life I have now.
I can walk in faith AND still feel fear.
Read more...Being a widow can be messy. Grief is unpredictable and shows up at unexpected times. In late February I had a particularly difficult week.
I took a quick trip to Maine by myself to attend a Celebration of Life for a dear man who had a profound influence in Jon’s life. Jeff was a Godly man that poured his heart and soul into discipleship, and Jon benefited greatly from his ministry. The last time I saw Jeff was in November, and he knew he would not be around much longer. His cancer had spread to his brain, and he was ready. His joy was contagious as he looked forward to Heaven. We had the opportunity to chat, and he said to me, with tears in his eyes, “I can’t wait to pray with Jon again.” We hugged, and that was the last time I saw him.
Read more...When I first became a widow, I never thought I would remarry. Falling in love and getting married again was something I was very opposed to. But God had other plans.
Shortly after Jon passed in July of 2009, Jillian, who was 7 at the time asked me, “Are we going to get a new Daddy?” I was completely surprised by this question and wasn’t sure how to respond. It had literally only been a few weeks since Jon passed, and I wasn’t ready to even begin to think about anything like that.
Of course, in her mind, it was the most logical thing in the world. It just made sense that a family had a mommy AND a daddy. So I told her the only thing I could, and that was for her to pray about it.
Read more...Being a widow is a journey that I never anticipated I would experience. I don't know why God chose to put me on this path, but I do know that He has been with me every step of the way. I want to share some surprising things that I have discovered along the way, and if you are experiencing these things too, know you are not alone.
1. It won’t always feel this intense.
The shock of fresh grief can be incredibly heavy. It consumes your entire being. But it won’t always feel like this. I wish I could give you a timeline, but everyone’s grief journey is unique to them. But I can tell you that over time, the intensity will ease.
2. Grief sneaks up on you at unexpected times.
An anniversary, birthday, holiday can all be triggers for grief. But sometimes grief takes you by surprise - a smell, a commercial, a reflex to call your deceased spouse. Grief is not linear. It ebbs and flows and sometimes shows up out of the blue. This is completely normal, although I know it can be unanticipated.
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