Through all of this, I continued to read my Bible, pray, and I was asking the Lord to deliver me from this intense grief and exhaustion, but it felt like God was so distant. I didn’t know how to close the gap.
I am not very good at opening up and sharing the deep struggles I am going through, especially with my family, but I was so desperate for help that I called my Dad a couple days after my dream. I told him about my dream and explained everything that had been going on and sobbed on the phone. It was like a dam that broke, as it all rushed out.
Dad, in his wisdom said that this was a heart issue, that I needed to give up my control over to God. I remember agreeing with everything he said, but I told him I didn’t know how to do that. He knew how much I had been struggling, even though I hadn’t shared a lot, and he and Mom invited the kids and I to come down and stay for a month or two, so I could get some rest and help.
Read more...As time went on, I became exhausted and my physical and mental health began to suffer. I started struggling with anxiety over the smallest things. I would worry about the kids getting sick, I would worry about the smoke detectors chirping in the middle of the night because of a low battery, I would be anxious about not being able to sleep, which then caused me to not sleep. I would obsess about the future and fear all the “what ifs”, which deepened my anxiety.
My sleep continued to decline. I could fall asleep without an issue, but staying asleep was impossible. I often woke up at 1 or 2 am and was awake for the rest of the night over and over and over. My anxiety continued to increase, I fell deep into depression, and because I was so exhausted all the time, I had to eliminate some of the things I enjoyed doing. As I cut things from my schedule in order to have space to rest, I began to unintentionally isolate myself. I had no idea it was happening, but it added to my anxiety and depression.
Read more...On July 23rd, 2009, Jon went in for a straightforward procedure to look at a concerning spot in his lung. Unfortunately, the procedure didn’t go as planned, and there were unexpected, devastating complications. The next day, July 24, 2009, the day before our 11th anniversary, Jon passed away.
The shock of that moment was unlike anything I had ever experienced before or since. We had prayed so fervently for his healing, as had so many others, and this was not how I anticipated God was going to heal him.
Read more...Wellness is an important part of my journey. As a young widow, I was determined to be healthy for my kids, so they wouldn’t lose another parent. But I would go to extremes. I pushed myself too hard, and eventually my body crashed. It has taken me a long time to have a healthy view of wellness and to see it as an act of worship.
The Bible says, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” I Corinthians 6:19-20
God gave us our bodies. They are His temple, and He wants us to take care of them. That is an act of worship! This can be easier said than done sometimes, as we get busy with life, stressed about various things, have little to no energy or are overwhelmed by the endless fad diets and exercise programs out there. Or we just don’t want to change our habits.
Read more...There’s a misconception about widowhood that we need to “move on” after a certain time frame.
- Sometimes it’s something we tell ourselves. We put expectations on ourselves and feel like we should be at a certain point by a certain time.
- Sometimes there are unsaid expectations that are imposed on us by others through their actions and subtle hints that indicate that we should be past this point already.
- Sometimes we’re told, “Haven’t you grieved long enough? It’s time to move on”.
I have experienced all of these, and none of them are helpful.
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