On July 23, 2009 Jon had a bronchoscopy that punctured his right lung – his good lung. The doctor intubated him immediately to give him a fighting chance. The doctors then realized his body had rejected the donor cells from his second transplant, resulting in graft vs. host disease, and that disease had caused his lungs to become very brittle and stiff, which was the cause of his cough and breathing challenges. There wasn't any treatment or cure for that, and there was no way we could have known. As the doctor was leading me to see Jon in the Critical Care Unit, I collapsed from the shock. I knew I was going to lose my husband.
Jon was so weak and sick, and he had to be on a ventilator, which was breathing for him. He and I had talked about the “what ifs” of life support, and I knew what his wishes were. The next day, July 24th, I made the decision to take him off life support. He passed away that evening, surrounded by family and close friends. It was the day before our 11th anniversary.
My life with my husband was suddenly over. I didn't know what to do or how I was going to make it. I was abruptly thrown into the role as a single parent. So many questions swirled in my mind as I tried to wade through the impact of his death. Some were answered right away or over time, some are still unanswered.
Life was very difficult, and grief was deep. Wading through it was nearly impossible at times. But God was there. He surrounded me with family and friends who walked through the dark times with me. He brought me through depression and paralyzing anxiety and gave me renewed hope. There were and still are many very difficult days. There have been mornings that I don't even want to get out of bed to face another day. And nights that I lie awake, crippled by fear. But God gives me strength to put one foot in front of the other, and "His right hand upholds me" (Psalm 63:8). Over time, He has brought so much healing and hope! No it didn't happen overnight, but it did happen, and I am so thankful.
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