The Dangers of Anger
While anger is a necessary stage of grief, it's crucial to remain mindful of its potential to become destructive. If left unchecked, anger can isolate us from our support systems, strain relationships, affect our health (both physical and mental) and delay healing. It can turn inward, manifesting as self-loathing, or outward, harming those we love. Recognizing this balance is essential in navigating our grief journey.
For me, my anger turned into trying to control everything, which I referenced in the series on denial. Everything was so out of control when Jon was sick. Then he died, and I felt so lost. I was determined not to let it happen again, and gaining control was the only way I thought I could change things. It became an obsession to have all my ducks in a row, and to be able to do it all. I wanted to be strong and to be able to handle whatever came my way, and I deceived myself into thinking I could handle it for quite a while. Eventually, everything crashed and burned, and my illusion of control crumbled.
At times, my anger was directed towards my kids. I would be short with them when they were just being kids. Because I was a single mom, I didn’t have anyone around to help balance out my parenting, and it was exhausting being the only parent, and my patience often wore thin. I am thankful for God’s grace, and that He filled in the gaps in my parenting when I fell very short.
Moving Past Anger
Transitioning beyond anger requires intentional effort and strategies. Acknowledgment is the first step; recognizing anger’s presence without judgment allows for a deeper understanding of its roots. Techniques such as journaling, speaking with a trusted friend or counselor, prayer, reading God’s Word, and engaging in physical activity can serve as outlets to diffuse anger.
Reading and studying the Psalms was a big part of my healing journey. They are filled with so much raw grief, anger and desperation, as the Psalmist cried out to the Lord. I could relate to much of what he was experiencing, and the Lord comforted me through his words. The Psalms are also filled with hope which directed my heart towards gratitude towards God for what He had given me and how He was sustaining me.
After we moved closer to family, I started counseling, and it helped me gain perspective about my feelings and tendencies and see the negative responses I have had. I learned how to give my anger, resentment and control to the Lord, and lean on Him for strength and comfort. In Matthew He says that if we come to Him, He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28-30).
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