On July 23rd, 2009, Jon went in for a straightforward procedure to look at a concerning spot in his lung. Unfortunately, the procedure didn’t go as planned, and there were unexpected, devastating complications. The next day, July 24, 2009, the day before our 11th anniversary, Jon passed away.
The shock of that moment was unlike anything I had ever experienced before or since. We had prayed so fervently for his healing, as had so many others, and this was not how I anticipated God was going to heal him.
When he died, I couldn’t comprehend that I would never see him again. My husband, the father of our children, my best friend was gone. I was suddenly a widow and single mom to young kids - both roles I never imagined I would be in. It was hard to grasp, and a part of me lived in denial for a long time.
After the initial shock wore off and everyone returned to their normal routine, I was left feeling lonely and defeated. Questions ran through my mind: What was I going to do? How could I do life without Jon? How was I going to make it as a single mom? How could I provide for my children?
Unsure of what else to do, I began to fill my time with busyness. I was so used to being busy with all the doctor’s visits, hospital stays and treatments. We were constantly on the go, and I got good at juggling all the things. After Jon passed, all of those things went away, and I was suddenly thrust into a life I didn’t recognize. All that busyness was gone, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I started doing - making things from scratch, training for a 5K, continuing to serve on the worship team at church, homeschooling my kids, teaching piano, helping with our homeschool co-op, church, AWANA, gardening, and the list goes on. As an extrovert, I love being around people and having things to do, but in my busyness, I was trying to control everything. Life had felt so out of control for so long, and I was going to make sure it didn’t happen again. In the process of trying to take control and stay busy, I was unintentionally getting stuck in my grief. Of course, I was sad and often cried, but I was staying so busy that I didn’t have time or energy to process through my grief.
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