The first year.......
The first year after my husband’s passing, I was constantly bracing myself for all of the firsts that would happen.
First birthdays
First holidays
Mother’s Day
His birthday
Each milestone was met with trepidation and apprehension, as I had no idea what to expect. Would I be an emotional wreck? Would it be a hard day to get through? Would anyone remember this is the first time we are doing xyz without him? Some milestones went OK, others were very difficult, like his birthday and Father’s Day. I tried to make each of these days full of his memories for my kids, even if I was struggling.
My daughter turned 7 just nine days after Jon passed. Thankfully, we still had family around that were there for his funeral, so we celebrated with them. It was a good distraction after all the preparation and work that went into the services.
On my son’s fifth birthday in October, we threw a party with family and his preschool friends.
On Jon’s birthday, we had some of his favorite foods - pizza and ice cream; he would have loved it! We looked at scrapbooks, talked about Daddy, and then had dinner in the living room with a movie.
Holidays were different that year, and we chose to do them differently because we were different. We were trying to figure out this new normal, and it was awkward.
When the first anniversary of his death arrived, I expected to feel relief. We did it! We made it through the first year and survived!
Instead of relief, I was met with a sinking realization that it doesn’t stop with the first anniversary.
It keeps going.
It doesn’t ever end.
We had to keep doing this over and over and over...forever.
My kids would never have their Daddy back.
I would never have my soulmate back.
We had to keep going, and honestly, I wasn’t sure I was up to it.
I did some things well that first year, like talking with my kids about Jon and looking at pictures of him. We hung out with friends that were understanding of my kids’ need to talk about their Dad.
But other things I did not do well. I kept myself very busy with good things, but I was delaying my grief and exhausting myself.
God was there through all of the firsts. He watched me cry myself to sleep for weeks after Jon passed. He held me when I was trying to keep it together at church, or for my son’s preschool graduation. He saw me staying constantly busy, so I wouldn’t think about what I had lost.
He was there through all of my sleepless nights.
I did the only thing I could and took one day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time, heavily relying on family and friends. Some days were much harder than others, and certain seasons were very challenging (more on that in another post). God was there (and still is) through it all, even when I couldn’t see or feel Him.
“I (God) will never leave you, nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
This is a promise from God! He always keeps His promises, and He is always with you. Take comfort in His presence. He knows what you are going through, and He is there.
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