Denial
Grief is a complex process and all of us will experience it at some point in our lives. There are five basic stages of grief, and the first stage is denial. Simply put, denial is refusing to believe what actually happened. It’s the feeling of “this can’t be happening”. While you may understand it happened, in your heart you may not fully grasp it.
Denial is different then not understanding the loss you just experienced. It's a mental buffer, providing us with an emotional grace period to slowly absorb and process what has happened. In the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death, the full weight of the grief might be too much to bear. Denial helps us by pacing the reality of the situation, allowing us to take on only as much as we can handle initially.
The Benefits of Denial
In the early days after losing Jon, denial manifested itself as a numb disbelief. I would catch myself expecting him to walk through the door or call me on the phone as if everything was as it used to be. I would want to tell him something, only to remember that I couldn’t. This stage is not about ignorance; rather, it's about momentarily suspending the full impact of loss. By delaying the intensity of grief, it allows us to work through difficult decisions.
There are so many things that must happen in a short amount of time after losing a spouse.
- Notifying family and friends
- Explaining to your kids
- Funeral arrangements
- Choosing a burial site
- Hosting family from out of town
- Resolving life insurance policies
- Initiating Social Security Survivor Benefits
In God’s grace, he designed denial to allow us to temporarily put our feelings on hold, so we can focus on what needs to be taken care of. Denial helps us to gradually process our feelings of grief, but he didn’t design this stage to be a long term season. 
Denial helped me have the mental fortitude to make the many decisions about Jon’s service - the flowers, the music he liked, when to have the service, who was speaking, etc. I also was unaware of the decisions regarding a burial sight, a funeral home, what type of casket and much more. There were so many details I hadn’t realized I would be responsible for, and the stage of denial postponed the intensity of grief to allow me to make those decisions.
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