Understanding Bargaining in Grief
Journeying through grief takes a lot of work. It’s not a process to be rushed, nor is it easy to navigate, especially if you have young kids. It takes time, patience, and stamina to work through the stages, and they each present their own challenges and various emotions. The next stage, bargaining, is a complex step in the grief process. 

Bargaining in grief is a stage marked by the "if only" and "what if" questions. It's a natural response to the feelings of vulnerability and helplessness that loss brings. We might find ourselves negotiating with God, promising to make changes in our life in exchange for the return of what we've lost, or for relief from our anguish. This stage embodies our desire to regain control over the uncontrollable, to negotiate our way out of pain and back to a semblance of normalcy and often occurs alongside denial and anger.

As with the anger stage, I didn’t think I experienced much bargaining in my grieving journey. I couldn’t really recall any times I was trying to negotiate with God or asking Him to bring Jon back in exchange for me committing to something. However, after researching what this stage actually is, I realized bargaining was definitely a part of the grief process for me.

As I journeyed through bargaining, I longed for reprieve and searched for answers. Some of my questions and thoughts were:
  • What if we had lived a healthier lifestyle?
  • What if we had explored alternative treatments?
  • If only we had caught his cancer earlier...
  • If only the treatments had been more effective...
  • If only I had insisted he get checked out sooner...
I was trying to negotiate with God and imagine what life would have been like if circumstances were different. I was longing for things to change and begged Him for relief from the heaviness and trial of grief.

The Benefits of Bargaining
While it might seem counterintuitive, there are benefits to this stage of grief. Bargaining can serve as a temporary shield, protecting us from the full impact of our loss. It provides a mental space where we can explore different outcomes, giving us time to adjust to our new reality. This stage is an integral part of the healing process, allowing us to process our emotions gradually and to come to terms with the changes in our lives.

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1 Comment

  1. Libby Miner  05/26/2024 09:40 AM Central
    I never thought of bargaining as a stage of grief but it makes perfect sense. I think no matter what Ive grieved Ive done this "What If" scenario and still do at times even though some of my family members have been gone for years. I miss them and grieve the loss of them every day just in missing them and thinking about the traditions and things we did together...asking what if they were still here...we'd
    be doing...x...y...z. I guess God is trying to get me to press forward and not keep looking behind. Its easy for me to be stymied by wanting the past and not allowing myself to make new traditions and memories with the people who are still here and the opportunities I have to do new things.
    Lisa Bailey AUTHOR  06/01/2024 09:10 AM Central
    I can so relate to everything you wrote here. It is easy to get into a pattern of wanting things to be the way they were. There's certainly nothing wrong with missing loved ones and remembering things we did together. But if that's all we do, and we don't move forward with our loved ones who are here, that's when it can be a red flag of being stuck in our grief. Hugs, my friend! Grief is a hard journey to walk.

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