The Dangers of Bargaining
However, the dangers of lingering too long in the bargaining stage are real. If we become stuck in a cycle of "if only" and "what if," we risk delaying the healing process, potentially leading to feelings of guilt, prolonged sadness, and an inability to move forward. The endless negotiation with ourselves or God can anchor us to a moment in time that, no matter how much we wish it, we cannot return to or alter. We become stuck. It's crucial to recognize when bargaining is no longer serving a purpose but instead, holding us back from acceptance, peace, and healing.
One of the dangers that I experienced in this stage was a need to control things. This is pretty much a pattern throughout all the stages in my grief journey, and the Lord continues to work on my desire for control. I would try to control things in an effort to not experience the same thing again. For example, my question, “What if we had lived a healthier lifestyle?” became an obsession to keep things as healthy as possible to control the outcome of our future. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to live a healthier lifestyle, I became so focused on the outcome of my health and my kids’ health, that it was all I could think about and plan for. The future is in God’s hands, not mine. I need to be a good steward of the body He has given me, and help my kids be healthy, but not to the point of obsession.
Moving Past Bargaining
Moving past bargaining requires embracing acceptance and allowing ourselves to feel our grief without conditions or negotiations. It means understanding that our journey through grief is not about reaching a stage where the pain no longer exists, but rather reaching a place where we can, with God’s help, coexist with our pain, acknowledging it while also finding ways to continue moving forward.
Here are a few practical steps to help you navigate the stage of bargaining:
- Pray. God is the ultimate source of comfort and healing. He knows exactly what you are going through before you even tell Him, and He will help you make sense of your grief.
- Seek support from family, friends or a grief support group
- Practice self-care to nurture your body and mind
- Feel all the feelings that come with grief. Let yourself cry, be angry, feel sad and also allow yourself to feel joy, peace and contentment.
- Journal your thoughts and emotions to help you reflect on your true feelings and motives.
- Get counseling. A trained counselor is very good at asking important questions and helping you think objectively, so you can continue working through your grief.
- Be patient with yourself. Rushing through any part of grief will only hinder your journey. Let yourself experience each stage as it comes without putting pressure on yourself to move on.
- Engage in activities that bring you joy.
The journey through grief is uniquely personal, and moving past bargaining doesn't mean forgetting or no longer caring. Instead, it means finding a way to live with loss, integrating it into your story, and allowing yourself to find meaning and happiness again. If you're stuck in the bargaining stage, know that it's a normal part of the healing process, and with prayer, time and support, you will find your way through.
As God has helped me navigate my grief, I've learned that it's possible to carry my loss and continue to live fully. It might not feel like it right now, but you will be ok. Rely on the Lord as you continue your journey. His grace is sufficient for you. His power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Cor. 12:9). You can trust Him and rest in His promises.
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