The Dangers of Anger
While anger is a necessary stage of grief, it's crucial to remain mindful of its potential to become destructive. If left unchecked, anger can isolate us from our support systems, strain relationships, affect our health (both physical and mental) and delay healing. It can turn inward, manifesting as self-loathing, or outward, harming those we love. Recognizing this balance is essential in navigating our grief journey.
For me, my anger turned into trying to control everything, which I referenced in the series on denial. Everything was so out of control when Jon was sick. Then he died, and I felt so lost. I was determined not to let it happen again, and gaining control was the only way I thought I could change things. It became an obsession to have all my ducks in a row, and to be able to do it all. I wanted to be strong and to be able to handle whatever came my way, and I deceived myself into thinking I could handle it for quite a while. Eventually, everything crashed and burned, and my illusion of control crumbled.
The Benefits of Anger
Though it may seem counterintuitive, anger carries with it certain benefits. It can serve as a stark acknowledgment that something significant has been taken from us, propelling us to confront the breadth of our loss. Anger can motivate action, pushing us to find support, assert boundaries, or advocate for ourselves and others. It has the energy that, when harnessed constructively, can fuel the journey towards healing.
While being angry with God isn’t right, He could handle my anger. He’s much bigger than anything I could throw at Him. As the Lord worked on my heart through wise council, I gradually accepted that God had a bigger plan that I probably wouldn’t know until I was in Heaven. And even though it didn’t change my circumstances, it caused me to rest in God’s sovereignty.
Read more...Understanding Anger in Grief
When navigating the waves of grief as a widow, we often encounter a powerful and complex emotion: anger. It’s a natural part of the grieving process, yet understanding and managing it can be a tumultuous journey. My own path through widowhood has been intricately laced with moments of profound anger, each experience teaching me more about its nature, its benefits, its dangers, and ultimately, how to move past its grip.
Anger, within the context of grief, is an emotional response triggered by the pain of loss. It can manifest toward ourselves, the loved one who has passed, those still living, or even God for allowing such heartache. This anger forms part of the natural grieving process, following denial and preceding bargaining. In life, we often get angry when we can't control what's happening to us. We have no control over death, and so it's normal to feel anger. It is a sign that the reality of loss is penetrating the heart's defenses, prompting an internal cry for the unjust hand we have been dealt.
Read more...Moving Past Denial
Transitioning beyond denial is a deeply personal process—one that should not be rushed. For me, it involved recognizing my emotions and allowing myself to feel them fully, without judgment, slowing down my busyness and getting counseling. Allowing myself to be ministered to by others and not pressuring myself to do it all helped me come to grips with the reality of Jon’s death. It didn’t make it any easier, in fact, it became harder in a way, but I began to continue through the grieving process.
Ultimately, moving past denial doesn't mean forgetting or ceasing to feel the loss; instead, it signifies the beginning of engaging with grief in a way that fosters healing and growth. It's about embarking on the path toward acceptance, carrying our memories and love forward with us into whatever lies ahead.
The Dangers of Denial
The danger becomes when we get stuck in denial. We don’t move through this stage and onto the next. Staying in a state of denial may look like:
- Becoming so busy with other things that you don’t have time to process your grief.
- Pretending your loved one is simply away on a trip and will be coming back.
- Refusing to talk about your loved one who has died or even saying their name.
- Minimizing your relationship to the person who has died and the pain you’re feeling.
- Speaking to your loved one who has died in the present tense.
- Self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, or food.
I remember experiencing grief and more specifically denial when Jon was first diagnosed with cancer. I couldn’t believe my 29 year old husband had cancer and tried to explain it away, saying that the doctor made a mistake.
After Jon passed, denial was evidenced by my busyness and putting on a good front when I was around people. I wanted to be able to “handle it”. I kept busy, so I wouldn’t have to face the reality that he really wasn’t coming back, and I was alone.
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