The Dangers of Bargaining
However, the dangers of lingering too long in the bargaining stage are real. If we become stuck in a cycle of "if only" and "what if," we risk delaying the healing process, potentially leading to feelings of guilt, prolonged sadness, and an inability to move forward. The endless negotiation with ourselves or God can anchor us to a moment in time that, no matter how much we wish it, we cannot return to or alter. We become stuck. It's crucial to recognize when bargaining is no longer serving a purpose but instead, holding us back from acceptance, peace, and healing.
One of the dangers that I experienced in this stage was a need to control things. This is pretty much a pattern throughout all the stages in my grief journey, and the Lord continues to work on my desire for control. I would try to control things in an effort to not experience the same thing again. For example, my question, “What if we had lived a healthier lifestyle?” became an obsession to keep things as healthy as possible to control the outcome of our future. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to live a healthier lifestyle, I became so focused on the outcome of my health and my kids’ health, that it was all I could think about and plan for. The future is in God’s hands, not mine. I need to be a good steward of the body He has given me, and help my kids be healthy, but not to the point of obsession.
Read more...Understanding Bargaining in Grief
Journeying through grief takes a lot of work. It’s not a process to be rushed, nor is it easy to navigate, especially if you have young kids. It takes time, patience, and stamina to work through the stages, and they each present their own challenges and various emotions. The next stage, bargaining, is a complex step in the grief process.
Bargaining in grief is a stage marked by the "if only" and "what if" questions. It's a natural response to the feelings of vulnerability and helplessness that loss brings. We might find ourselves negotiating with God, promising to make changes in our life in exchange for the return of what we've lost, or for relief from our anguish. This stage embodies our desire to regain control over the uncontrollable, to negotiate our way out of pain and back to a semblance of normalcy and often occurs alongside denial and anger.
As with the anger stage, I didn’t think I experienced much bargaining in my grieving journey. I couldn’t really recall any times I was trying to negotiate with God or asking Him to bring Jon back in exchange for me committing to something. However, after researching what this stage actually is, I realized bargaining was definitely a part of the grief process for me.
Read more...We are going to take a brief pause in our current series on The Five Stages of Grief, and I want to share a little about our homeschooling journey. Homeschooling is definitely not for the faint of heart, especially as a widow, but I am so glad God allowed me to home school my kids. It wasn’t always easy, and there were sometimes tears over math or reading, but the rewards far outweigh the hard times.
Here are ten things I love about our homeschooling experience:
- Being able to teach my kids the truth of the Gospel through school subjects. Keeping our schooling centered around Biblical truth was important to me, and I specifically looked for Bible-centered materials. Along with Bible-focused curriculum, we also memorized scripture together, and my kids still remember many of the verses. We also sang some of the Gospel-centered hymns that I learned at a young age.
Coping with Anger
Here are some things that can help you cope with and through the stage of anger:
- Allow yourself to feel the loss. Find an emotionally safe place, either with a supportive friend or counselor, and allow yourself to feel, cry, and think about the loss.
- Recognize underlying feelings when you express anger. Sadness and overwhelm can often show up as anger and frustration. It’s important to identify and address the root cause of your feelings.
- Don’t ignore your feelings. Suppressing your feelings can cause them to come out in less desirable ways. As we surrender those feelings to the Lord, He will help us express them in healthy ways.
- Find ways to express emotions through journaling, poetry, music and prayer.
- Thinking about the situation from various people's points of view can help you gain a better understanding of your feelings and the feelings of others.
The Dangers of Anger
While anger is a necessary stage of grief, it's crucial to remain mindful of its potential to become destructive. If left unchecked, anger can isolate us from our support systems, strain relationships, affect our health (both physical and mental) and delay healing. It can turn inward, manifesting as self-loathing, or outward, harming those we love. Recognizing this balance is essential in navigating our grief journey.
For me, my anger turned into trying to control everything, which I referenced in the series on denial. Everything was so out of control when Jon was sick. Then he died, and I felt so lost. I was determined not to let it happen again, and gaining control was the only way I thought I could change things. It became an obsession to have all my ducks in a row, and to be able to do it all. I wanted to be strong and to be able to handle whatever came my way, and I deceived myself into thinking I could handle it for quite a while. Eventually, everything crashed and burned, and my illusion of control crumbled.
