The Dangers of Denial
The danger becomes when we get stuck in denial. We don’t move through this stage and onto the next. Staying in a state of denial may look like:
- Becoming so busy with other things that you don’t have time to process your grief.
- Pretending your loved one is simply away on a trip and will be coming back.
- Refusing to talk about your loved one who has died or even saying their name.
- Minimizing your relationship to the person who has died and the pain you’re feeling.
- Speaking to your loved one who has died in the present tense.
- Self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, or food.
I remember experiencing grief and more specifically denial when Jon was first diagnosed with cancer. I couldn’t believe my 29 year old husband had cancer and tried to explain it away, saying that the doctor made a mistake.
After Jon passed, denial was evidenced by my busyness and putting on a good front when I was around people. I wanted to be able to “handle it”. I kept busy, so I wouldn’t have to face the reality that he really wasn’t coming back, and I was alone.
Read more...Denial
Grief is a complex process and all of us will experience it at some point in our lives. There are five basic stages of grief, and the first stage is denial. Simply put, denial is refusing to believe what actually happened. It’s the feeling of “this can’t be happening”. While you may understand it happened, in your heart you may not fully grasp it.
Denial is different then not understanding the loss you just experienced. It's a mental buffer, providing us with an emotional grace period to slowly absorb and process what has happened. In the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death, the full weight of the grief might be too much to bear. Denial helps us by pacing the reality of the situation, allowing us to take on only as much as we can handle initially.
Discovering joy through music has been a constant thread throughout my life. From the moment I first sat down at a piano, I knew I had found my passion. Over the years, music has provided solace, comfort, and a sense of purpose. And when tragedy struck and I found myself as a widow with young children, music became a comfort.
My first piano teacher nurtured my love for playing the piano. She was kind, patient and set high expectations that she knew I could meet. She encouraged me to play in church at a young age, which began a love for being a church pianist.
In high school, I joined the choir. My music teacher saw potential that I didn’t see and encouraged me to audition for the Chamber Singers, local and state competitions, and eventually colleges. He gave me the opportunity to accompany many of the choirs in our school, and my love for doing music every day multiplied. It was also during high school that I started teaching piano lessons, and found I loved it!
Read more...Budgeting is not always the most exciting topic, but it’s and imporant part of how I was able to make ends meet as a widow with young kids.
Having been budgeting for several years, I had a pretty good feel for it. But after Jon passed, I got out of the habit and struggled with motivation to continue. I was tired, sad and overwhelmed by life, and budgeting just seemed like one more thing. I had reduced our living expenses quite a bit and didn’t think I needed to account for every purchase.
Something Had to Change
I became aware of how important a monthly budget was several months into my journey as a widow. We were halfway through the month, and I only had $50 left for the month to buy food, and the fridge was looking bare. While my kids were only 5 and 7, they had healthy appetites. I couldn’t continue to leave it to chance. I needed to make a change.
Read more...As a widow with small kids, finances were a big concern. There are so many things that go into running a household, as I am sure you are aware - the mortgage, utilities, food, gas, car maintenance, and the list goes on. I had never been fully responsible for any of this, and while I had worked in several different professions, I had been out of the work force since my kids were born.
Social Security Survivor Benefits
One of the first things I did after Jon passed was to contact my local Social Security office to see if the kids and I qualified for Survivor Benefits. This program is in place to help widows with young kids make ends meet. There are certain qualifications and income limits, so you’ll want to go to your local Social Security office to get more specifics.
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