The Dangers of Anger
While anger is a necessary stage of grief, it's crucial to remain mindful of its potential to become destructive. If left unchecked, anger can isolate us from our support systems, strain relationships, affect our health (both physical and mental) and delay healing. It can turn inward, manifesting as self-loathing, or outward, harming those we love. Recognizing this balance is essential in navigating our grief journey.
For me, my anger turned into trying to control everything, which I referenced in the series on denial. Everything was so out of control when Jon was sick. Then he died, and I felt so lost. I was determined not to let it happen again, and gaining control was the only way I thought I could change things. It became an obsession to have all my ducks in a row, and to be able to do it all. I wanted to be strong and to be able to handle whatever came my way, and I deceived myself into thinking I could handle it for quite a while. Eventually, everything crashed and burned, and my illusion of control crumbled.
Moving Past Denial
Transitioning beyond denial is a deeply personal process—one that should not be rushed. For me, it involved recognizing my emotions and allowing myself to feel them fully, without judgment, slowing down my busyness and getting counseling. Allowing myself to be ministered to by others and not pressuring myself to do it all helped me come to grips with the reality of Jon’s death. It didn’t make it any easier, in fact, it became harder in a way, but I began to continue through the grieving process.
Ultimately, moving past denial doesn't mean forgetting or ceasing to feel the loss; instead, it signifies the beginning of engaging with grief in a way that fosters healing and growth. It's about embarking on the path toward acceptance, carrying our memories and love forward with us into whatever lies ahead.
The Dangers of Denial
The danger becomes when we get stuck in denial. We don’t move through this stage and onto the next. Staying in a state of denial may look like:
- Becoming so busy with other things that you don’t have time to process your grief.
- Pretending your loved one is simply away on a trip and will be coming back.
- Refusing to talk about your loved one who has died or even saying their name.
- Minimizing your relationship to the person who has died and the pain you’re feeling.
- Speaking to your loved one who has died in the present tense.
- Self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, or food.
I remember experiencing grief and more specifically denial when Jon was first diagnosed with cancer. I couldn’t believe my 29 year old husband had cancer and tried to explain it away, saying that the doctor made a mistake.
After Jon passed, denial was evidenced by my busyness and putting on a good front when I was around people. I wanted to be able to “handle it”. I kept busy, so I wouldn’t have to face the reality that he really wasn’t coming back, and I was alone.
Read more...Denial
Grief is a complex process and all of us will experience it at some point in our lives. There are five basic stages of grief, and the first stage is denial. Simply put, denial is refusing to believe what actually happened. It’s the feeling of “this can’t be happening”. While you may understand it happened, in your heart you may not fully grasp it.
Denial is different then not understanding the loss you just experienced. It's a mental buffer, providing us with an emotional grace period to slowly absorb and process what has happened. In the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death, the full weight of the grief might be too much to bear. Denial helps us by pacing the reality of the situation, allowing us to take on only as much as we can handle initially.
Discovering joy through music has been a constant thread throughout my life. From the moment I first sat down at a piano, I knew I had found my passion. Over the years, music has provided solace, comfort, and a sense of purpose. And when tragedy struck and I found myself as a widow with young children, music became a comfort.
My first piano teacher nurtured my love for playing the piano. She was kind, patient and set high expectations that she knew I could meet. She encouraged me to play in church at a young age, which began a love for being a church pianist.
In high school, I joined the choir. My music teacher saw potential that I didn’t see and encouraged me to audition for the Chamber Singers, local and state competitions, and eventually colleges. He gave me the opportunity to accompany many of the choirs in our school, and my love for doing music every day multiplied. It was also during high school that I started teaching piano lessons, and found I loved it!
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