Through all of this, I continued to read my Bible, pray, and I was asking the Lord to deliver me from this intense grief and exhaustion, but it felt like God was so distant. I didn’t know how to close the gap.
I am not very good at opening up and sharing the deep struggles I am going through, especially with my family, but I was so desperate for help that I called my Dad a couple days after my dream. I told him about my dream and explained everything that had been going on and sobbed on the phone. It was like a dam that broke, as it all rushed out.
Dad, in his wisdom said that this was a heart issue, that I needed to give up my control over to God. I remember agreeing with everything he said, but I told him I didn’t know how to do that. He knew how much I had been struggling, even though I hadn’t shared a lot, and he and Mom invited the kids and I to come down and stay for a month or two, so I could get some rest and help.
Read more...As time went on, I became exhausted and my physical and mental health began to suffer. I started struggling with anxiety over the smallest things. I would worry about the kids getting sick, I would worry about the smoke detectors chirping in the middle of the night because of a low battery, I would be anxious about not being able to sleep, which then caused me to not sleep. I would obsess about the future and fear all the “what ifs”, which deepened my anxiety.
My sleep continued to decline. I could fall asleep without an issue, but staying asleep was impossible. I often woke up at 1 or 2 am and was awake for the rest of the night over and over and over. My anxiety continued to increase, I fell deep into depression, and because I was so exhausted all the time, I had to eliminate some of the things I enjoyed doing. As I cut things from my schedule in order to have space to rest, I began to unintentionally isolate myself. I had no idea it was happening, but it added to my anxiety and depression.
Read more...On July 23rd, 2009, Jon went in for a straightforward procedure to look at a concerning spot in his lung. Unfortunately, the procedure didn’t go as planned, and there were unexpected, devastating complications. The next day, July 24, 2009, the day before our 11th anniversary, Jon passed away.
The shock of that moment was unlike anything I had ever experienced before or since. We had prayed so fervently for his healing, as had so many others, and this was not how I anticipated God was going to heal him.
Read more...Did you know...
- Only 5% of widows in the US are under 40? I was 33 when I was widowed.
- Young widows often have small kids, and life is overwhelming. Grief often gets put on the back burner until it gets too big to ignore.
- Single parenting is different as a widow. You don’t get a break like you do in a two parent household or a divorce situation. You have to intentionally carve out time without your kids.
- Young widows need support, community, encouragement, and love. We feel like we don’t fit in anywhere.
We are going to take a brief pause in our current series on The Five Stages of Grief, and I want to share a little about our homeschooling journey. Homeschooling is definitely not for the faint of heart, especially as a widow, but I am so glad God allowed me to home school my kids. It wasn’t always easy, and there were sometimes tears over math or reading, but the rewards far outweigh the hard times.
Here are ten things I love about our homeschooling experience:
- Being able to teach my kids the truth of the Gospel through school subjects. Keeping our schooling centered around Biblical truth was important to me, and I specifically looked for Bible-centered materials. Along with Bible-focused curriculum, we also memorized scripture together, and my kids still remember many of the verses. We also sang some of the Gospel-centered hymns that I learned at a young age.
