As time went on, I became exhausted and my physical and mental health began to suffer. I started struggling with anxiety over the smallest things. I would worry about the kids getting sick, I would worry about the smoke detectors chirping in the middle of the night because of a low battery, I would be anxious about not being able to sleep, which then caused me to not sleep. I would obsess about the future and fear all the “what ifs”, which deepened my anxiety.
My sleep continued to decline. I could fall asleep without an issue, but staying asleep was impossible. I often woke up at 1 or 2 am and was awake for the rest of the night over and over and over. My anxiety continued to increase, I fell deep into depression, and because I was so exhausted all the time, I had to eliminate some of the things I enjoyed doing. As I cut things from my schedule in order to have space to rest, I began to unintentionally isolate myself. I had no idea it was happening, but it added to my anxiety and depression.
I didn’t understand it at the time, but I was losing hope. I was desperately trying to hang onto anything I could, and control whatever I was able to because life felt so out of control. I was good at the things I was doing, but I was doing them in my own strength. I was putting my trust in my ability to do it all and take care of it all, instead of resting in my Savior.
In 2012, I was almost at my lowest point and suddenly my body broke out into unexplained hives from my neck down. Every day for the next 3 years, hives would plague me. My anxiety became more intense, my sleep became even worse, and I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I felt like if I could just eat better, take the right supplements, or exercise more, that things would improve, but instead the opposite happened. I became more exhausted, the hives got worse, and the anxiety and depression became more intense.
I was good at hiding my struggles. You would never know I was battling so much with depression. On the outside, things looked good. It appeared that I had everything together and was handling it well. But on the inside, I was a mess.One night, I had a very vivid, very awful dream about Jon. It was so real and terrifying. I remember lying in bed and crying as all of the helpless feelings came to the surface again from when Jon was sick, and I felt so hopeless. It felt like nothing would change. That this was going to be my life now.
That was my bottom. It was so lonely and dark, and I felt like I couldn’t find a way out. It felt like Narnia in “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” when it was still under the control of the white witch. Always winter, never spring.
0 Comments