As time went on, I became exhausted and my physical and mental health began to suffer. I started struggling with anxiety over the smallest things. I would worry about the kids getting sick, I would worry about the smoke detectors chirping in the middle of the night because of a low battery, I would be anxious about not being able to sleep, which then caused me to not sleep. I would obsess about the future and fear all the “what ifs”, which deepened my anxiety.
My sleep continued to decline. I could fall asleep without an issue, but staying asleep was impossible. I often woke up at 1 or 2 am and was awake for the rest of the night over and over and over. My anxiety continued to increase, I fell deep into depression, and because I was so exhausted all the time, I had to eliminate some of the things I enjoyed doing. As I cut things from my schedule in order to have space to rest, I began to unintentionally isolate myself. I had no idea it was happening, but it added to my anxiety and depression.
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On July 23rd, 2009, Jon went in for a straightforward procedure to look at a concerning spot in his lung. Unfortunately, the procedure didn’t go as planned, and there were unexpected, devastating complications. The next day, July 24, 2009, the day before our 11th anniversary, Jon passed away.
The shock of that moment was unlike anything I had ever experienced before or since. We had prayed so fervently for his healing, as had so many others, and this was not how I anticipated God was going to heal him.
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The next few weeks will be a series of blog posts that are my testimony that I have had the privilege of giving to several ladies’ groups. I hope that as I share my struggles and challenges that God would use it to encourage you. He has done amazing things in my life, and I am so thankful.
Some of you know my story, and have watched God transform my life in the past 15 years from desperation and hopelessness to restoration and hopefulness.
Our lives have seasons that eb and flow like the seasons we see in nature. Sometimes it is a glorious, warm summer with an abundance of beauty. Sometimes it is a plentiful harvest in the fall. Other times we experience the cold and darkness of winter in a difficult season. And then God brings life back in the beauty of spring.
Read more...Wellness is an important part of my journey. As a young widow, I was determined to be healthy for my kids, so they wouldn’t lose another parent. But I would go to extremes. I pushed myself too hard, and eventually my body crashed. It has taken me a long time to have a healthy view of wellness and to see it as an act of worship.
The Bible says, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” I Corinthians 6:19-20
God gave us our bodies. They are His temple, and He wants us to take care of them. That is an act of worship! This can be easier said than done sometimes, as we get busy with life, stressed about various things, have little to no energy or are overwhelmed by the endless fad diets and exercise programs out there. Or we just don’t want to change our habits.
Read more...There’s a misconception about widowhood that we need to “move on” after a certain time frame.
- Sometimes it’s something we tell ourselves. We put expectations on ourselves and feel like we should be at a certain point by a certain time.
- Sometimes there are unsaid expectations that are imposed on us by others through their actions and subtle hints that indicate that we should be past this point already.
- Sometimes we’re told, “Haven’t you grieved long enough? It’s time to move on”.
I have experienced all of these, and none of them are helpful.
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