The Dangers of Bargaining
However, the dangers of lingering too long in the bargaining stage are real. If we become stuck in a cycle of "if only" and "what if," we risk delaying the healing process, potentially leading to feelings of guilt, prolonged sadness, and an inability to move forward. The endless negotiation with ourselves or God can anchor us to a moment in time that, no matter how much we wish it, we cannot return to or alter. We become stuck. It's crucial to recognize when bargaining is no longer serving a purpose but instead, holding us back from acceptance, peace, and healing.
One of the dangers that I experienced in this stage was a need to control things. This is pretty much a pattern throughout all the stages in my grief journey, and the Lord continues to work on my desire for control. I would try to control things in an effort to not experience the same thing again. For example, my question, “What if we had lived a healthier lifestyle?” became an obsession to keep things as healthy as possible to control the outcome of our future. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to live a healthier lifestyle, I became so focused on the outcome of my health and my kids’ health, that it was all I could think about and plan for. The future is in God’s hands, not mine. I need to be a good steward of the body He has given me, and help my kids be healthy, but not to the point of obsession.
Read more...Understanding Bargaining in Grief
Journeying through grief takes a lot of work. It’s not a process to be rushed, nor is it easy to navigate, especially if you have young kids. It takes time, patience, and stamina to work through the stages, and they each present their own challenges and various emotions. The next stage, bargaining, is a complex step in the grief process.
Bargaining in grief is a stage marked by the "if only" and "what if" questions. It's a natural response to the feelings of vulnerability and helplessness that loss brings. We might find ourselves negotiating with God, promising to make changes in our life in exchange for the return of what we've lost, or for relief from our anguish. This stage embodies our desire to regain control over the uncontrollable, to negotiate our way out of pain and back to a semblance of normalcy and often occurs alongside denial and anger.
As with the anger stage, I didn’t think I experienced much bargaining in my grieving journey. I couldn’t really recall any times I was trying to negotiate with God or asking Him to bring Jon back in exchange for me committing to something. However, after researching what this stage actually is, I realized bargaining was definitely a part of the grief process for me.
Read more...Discovering joy through music has been a constant thread throughout my life. From the moment I first sat down at a piano, I knew I had found my passion. Over the years, music has provided solace, comfort, and a sense of purpose. And when tragedy struck and I found myself as a widow with young children, music became a comfort.
My first piano teacher nurtured my love for playing the piano. She was kind, patient and set high expectations that she knew I could meet. She encouraged me to play in church at a young age, which began a love for being a church pianist.
In high school, I joined the choir. My music teacher saw potential that I didn’t see and encouraged me to audition for the Chamber Singers, local and state competitions, and eventually colleges. He gave me the opportunity to accompany many of the choirs in our school, and my love for doing music every day multiplied. It was also during high school that I started teaching piano lessons, and found I loved it!
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