Moving Forward Isn't the Same as Moving On
Why healing after the loss of a spouse isn't about leaving them behind
Moving on.
It's one of the most common messages widows hear after losing their husbands.
Sometimes it's said outright.
"You need to move on."
Other times it's more subtle.
"It's been a year."
"Don't you think it's time?"
"He would want you to be happy."
The message is the same.
We're expected to grieve for a certain amount of time, and then life is supposed to return to "normal."
Spoiler alert: There will never be the same normal again.
When you've lost your husband, your life changes forever. Nothing about your world is the same. And while life does go on, it never goes back to what it was before.
If we're grieving outside of society's expectations, people often assume we're stuck. That we're dwelling on the past. That we're depressed. That we just need to "get over it."
The truth is, most people simply don't understand grief.
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After 17 Years of Widowhood, Here's What I Know for Sure
Lessons From a Life Rebuilt After Loss
When Jon died, I couldn't imagine what my life would look like seventeen years later.
Honestly, I was just trying to make it through the next day.
The next week.
The next month.
Thinking years into the future felt impossible.
But now, with nearly seventeen years between me and that devastating loss, there are a few things I know for sure.
First, grief changes.
It doesn't disappear.
It doesn't end.
But it changes.
The crushing weight of the early days eventually becomes easier to carry.
The sharp edges soften.
The tears become less frequent.
The love remains.
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The Things That Still Surprise Me About Grief
What 17 Years of Widowhood Has Taught Me
Today it has been 17 years since Jon passed.
Tomorrow would have been our 28th wedding anniversary.
It feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at the same time.
I used to think grief would eventually stop surprising me.
I assumed that after enough time had passed, I would know what to expect.
But 17 years later, grief still catches me off guard sometimes.
Not in the overwhelming way it did in the beginning.
But in quieter, more unexpected ways.
The biggest surprise is often how ordinary the moments are.
Sometimes something happens and my first thought is still, "I need to tell Jon about this."
It's usually something small.
A funny story.
A memory that surfaces out of nowhere.
Finding something in his handwriting.
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Remarriage Didn't Erase My First Marriage
Loving Again After Loss
One of the biggest misconceptions people have about widowhood is that remarriage somehow closes the chapter on grief.
As if finding love again erases the love that came before it.
As if saying "I do" a second time somehow means the loss no longer matters.
But that has not been my experience.
When Jon passed away, I never imagined I would get remarried someday and for a while I resisted the idea. In those early years, I was focused on raising my kids, surviving grief, and figuring out how to navigate a life I never planned.
The future felt uncertain enough without trying to imagine another relationship.
Years later, when I met Heath, I found myself walking into a new season of life that I hadn't expected.
A beautiful season.
A healing season.
A season filled with new memories, new traditions, and new joy.
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Why Moving On Isn’t My Goal
Learning to carry grief instead of leaving it behind
One of the phrases I’ve never quite connected with after loss is the idea of “moving on.”
It sounds neat. Clean. Final.
As if grief is something you eventually walk away from, close the door on, and leave behind.
But that has never been my experience. And I truly don’t think that’s how healing works.
After Jon passed away, I remember feeling like I was supposed to reach a point where everything would eventually feel “finished.” Like there would be a day when I would wake up and no longer feel the weight of loss.
But what I’ve learned over time is that grief doesn’t work on a finish line.
It changes.
It softens.
It shifts.
But it doesn’t disappear.
For me, the goal has never been to move on from Jon. The goal has been to move forward with my life while still carrying the reality of his absence.
There is a big difference between those two things.
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