Two Steps Forward, One Step BackWhy Grief Feels Like You're Going Backward
Losing my husband has been the most difficult experience of my life.
Just trying to process the reality of it was overwhelming. My mind knew Jon had died, but my heart didn't want to believe it. For a while, I lived in denial and tried to carry on like it hadn't happened.
But it had.
And eventually I had to face it.
As I began trying to figure out what life was going to look like without Jon, I felt like I kept running into a brick wall. We had been married for 11 years, and my life revolved around him, especially after he got sick. Suddenly, all of that was gone, and I felt completely lost.
There would be moments when the grief would ease, and I would start to feel like I was finally moving forward.
Then, out of nowhere, something would trigger it, and I would feel like I was right back to the day he died.
Grief would ease.
I would move forward.
Something unexpected would happen.
Grief would intensify.
And I felt like I was back at square one.
It's a cycle that is incredibly common in grief, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Even now, 17 years later, there are still moments that take me right back to those early days. They don't last as long as they used to, and I know they will pass, but they still happen.
Sometimes the triggers are obvious.
Anniversaries.
Songs.
A doctor's office.
A holiday.
An unexpected memory.
This past March was one of those seasons for me.
At first, I couldn't understand why it felt so heavy. Then I realized March holds several significant anniversaries in my story.In March of 2008, Jon spent the entire month in the hospital undergoing intense cancer treatments.
One year later, March came again, and he kept getting sicker and sicker. We didn't know why.
Then in March of 2013, nearly four years after Jon died, I reached one of the lowest points of my life as I battled severe anxiety and depression.
Those memories are deeply woven into my story.
Even when my mind doesn't immediately connect the dots, my body remembers.
And for a while, it felt like I had taken giant steps backward.
Sometimes grief is triggered by difficult memories.
Other times it's triggered by beautiful ones.
Moving.
Buying a house.
Watching your children reach milestones.
Dating again.
Remarrying.
These are all good things.
But they also remind us that we're moving forward without the person we thought would be beside us.
One of the hardest parts of grief isn't just the grief itself.
It's the expectations we place on ourselves.
We think we should be "further along" by now.
We tell ourselves:
"I shouldn't still be crying."
"Why is this hitting me so hard again?"
"I thought I'd already worked through this."
"What's wrong with me?"
Nothing is wrong with you.
You're grieving.
When those waves come back, it's easy to believe you've somehow lost all the progress you've made.
But that's not what's happening.
You're not starting over.
You're simply revisiting your loss from a different place in your journey.
Each anniversary.
Each milestone.
Each unexpected reminder.
They bring new emotions because you're different than you were a year ago. You're experiencing your grief through new circumstances and a new season of life.
That doesn't erase the healing that's already happened.
It simply reminds you that love and loss continue to walk together.
Healing isn't linear.
I wish it were.
Wouldn't it be nice if grief became just a little smaller every day until one morning we woke up and realized it was behind us?
But that's not how healing works.
If you drew a graph of my grief over the last 17 years, it wouldn't be a straight line steadily climbing upward.
It would zigzag.
There would be seasons of growth.
Unexpected setbacks.
Moments of deep joy.
Days of overwhelming sadness.
Sometimes the valleys would seem longer than the mountaintops.
But if you stepped back and looked at the whole picture, you would still see progress.
Not because I handled everything perfectly, but because God has faithfully carried me every step of the way.
One verse that has encouraged me over the years is Philippians 1:6:
"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
While Paul wasn't writing specifically about grief, I've often found comfort in knowing that God doesn't abandon the work He begins in us. Even when I feel like I'm taking steps backward, He is still patiently shaping my faith, strengthening my trust, and making me more like Christ.
He never promised the journey would be easy.
He never promised it would be quick.
He never promised it would always make sense.
But He does promise to finish the work He has begun.
His work.
Not mine.
Looking back, I can see that His work in me has looked very different than I ever imagined it would.
It has been slower.
Harder.
More painful.
But it has also been good.
Because God is good.
And everything He does is for His glory and for our good.
So if today feels like two steps forward and one step back, don't lose heart.
A difficult day doesn't erase the healing you have done.
A hard season doesn't mean you've failed.
You're still moving forward.
Sometimes the next step is small.
Sometimes it's painful.
Sometimes it's simply trusting God enough to take one more step.
And by His grace, that is enough.
If you’re walking through loss—or know someone who is, here are three resources I’ve created specifically for grief:
HOPE IN THE MOURNING: A 30 DAY JOURNAL FOR THE GRIEVINGGRIEF TO GRACE MINI GUIDE: 5 GENTLE STEPS TOWARD HOPE
These resources can be used separately or together as a beautiful set. Whether for yourself or as a thoughtful gift, my prayer is that they bring encouragement and hope.
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