Moving Forward After Losing Your Spouse (part 6)

Starting Over Doesn't Mean Starting From Scratch

Starting Over After Losing Your Spouse

Starting over.

Those words are sobering to anyone who has lost a spouse. It’s something that is pushed on you whether you want it or not. It’s not something you look forward to. It’s an added weight on top of the heavy grief you’re already experiencing.

There were so many ways I had to “start over” after Jon passed.

I became the sole provider.

I was now a single parent.

I had to run a household alone.

I had to keep up with the finances and bills.

I had to make all the decisions by myself.

I didn’t ask for all that responsibility, and I didn’t want it. I just wanted my husband back. It’s an unseen part of becoming a widow that no one realizes, and it compounds the grief you are already experiencing.

I was literally starting over with my life. And it was hard and felt so unfair.

I didn't understand why this was part of God's plan.

But eventually, He began to show me something.

I was starting over, but I wasn’t starting from scratch.

There’s a difference.

I had spent eleven years building a life with Jon. I had learned how to be a wife and a mother. I had learned how to manage a home, homeschool my children, navigate difficult circumstances, and make decisions.

I had skills, relationships, experiences. I had a faith that had already been tested through some incredibly difficult circumstances. And most importantly, I had a God who had been faithful to me before Jon died and would continue to be faithful after.

I didn't see all of that at first.

At first, I only saw what I had lost.

The empty side of the bed.

The empty chair.

The responsibilities that used to be shared.

The future that was suddenly gone.

But slowly, I began to see that everything I had learned and experienced was becoming part of the foundation for the life I was now building alone.

Four years after Jon died, I made another huge change. I moved to a different state to be closer to family.

That felt like starting over all over again.

I left the home Jon and I had built.

I left a church family I loved.

My children left the only home they really remembered and the friends who had been part of their lives for years.

It was hard.

But I wasn't starting from scratch.

I was taking everything I had learned with me.

I was taking my children, my experiences, my faith, my strengths, my weaknesses, and all the ways God had already grown me through the hardest years of my life.

And He wasn't finished.

Moving gave me space to heal. It brought me closer to family. It opened the door to counseling and new relationships. It gave me an opportunity to build a new community and begin discovering what life could look like in this new season.

Eventually, other parts of my life began to take shape too.

I built my piano studio.

I learned more about managing finances.

I continued homeschooling.

I became more intentional about my health.

I found new friendships and deeper community.

None of those things erased what I had lost.

They became part of what came next.

I think sometimes when we're grieving, we look at the future and think, “I have nothing left.” And that’s exactly how I felt after Jon passed. It was so hard to even think about a future without him.

But even though it felt like that, it wasn't true. And it's not true for you either.

You may have lost your husband.

You may have lost your financial security.

You may have lost your home, your routines, your plans, or the future you thought you were going to have.

But you haven't lost everything.

God has been building things in you all along.

The strength you developed through difficult seasons.

The wisdom you gained through experience.

The skills you learned.

The relationships God gave you.

The faith that has carried you this far.

Those things come with you.

You don't have to figure out your entire future today. You don't have to know what your new life will look like. You don't even have to be excited about starting over.

You simply need to take one small step.

Isaiah 43:19 says, “Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”

I love that God says He is doing a new thing.

Not that we have to do it all ourselves. We don’t have to figure it out.

HE is doing a new thing.

And sometimes we don't recognize it at first because we're still grieving what came before.

That's okay.

You can grieve what you've lost and still allow God to build something new.

You can miss the life you had and still begin creating a life you didn't expect.

You can love your husband and the life you shared, while also discovering who you are in this new season.

Starting over doesn't mean starting from scratch.

It means taking what God has already built in you and allowing Him to use it as He leads you into whatever comes next.

You may not know what that looks like yet.

I certainly didn't. And I couldn’t imagine what He was going to do.

But looking back after seventeen years, I can see that God was never asking me to rebuild my life alone.

He was already preparing me for the next step.

And He was going to use everything I had walked through to shape me into the woman he wanted me to be. He's still doing this.

And as I began to see what God was building in my life, I also had to learn that it was okay to enjoy some of it.

Finding joy didn’t mean I had forgotten Jon.

It didn’t mean I was leaving him behind.

It meant I was learning that joy and grief can exist together.

That’s what we’ll talk about next: Finding Joy Without Feeling Guilty.

If you’re walking through loss—or know someone who is, here are three resources I’ve created specifically for grief:

HOPE IN THE MOURNING: A 30 DAY JOURNAL FOR THE GRIEVING GRIEF TO GRACE MINI GUIDE: 5 GENTLE STEPS TOWARD HOPE

30 SCRIPTURE CARDS FOR GRIEF

These resources can be used separately or together as a beautiful set. Whether for yourself or as a thoughtful gift, my prayer is that they bring encouragement and hope.