Moving Forward After Losing Your Spouse (part 7)

Finding Joy Without Feeling Guilty

Is It Okay to Be Happy After Losing Your Spouse?

This is a difficult topic to talk about. There are so many opinions out there about what is acceptable for a widow after losing her husband. And it can be hard to do what you feel is right when the expectations don’t align with that.

It IS okay to be happy after losing your spouse.

I know that’s an easy statement to make and much harder to live out.

After Jon passed, I was so tired, so sad, and I missed him dreadfully. I couldn’t imagine being happy again. Sure, there were moments when someone told a funny joke, or my kids did something that made me smile, but the joy had diminished.

Grief is hard. It weighs you down, and sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe.

It starts with the shock and the thoughts of “this can’t be happening.” You kind of move through the motions, but everything seems like you’re in a dream.

Then the harsh reality starts to set in, and you realize he’s really gone. He’s never coming back. You have to do this alone.

It took a long time for me to fully accept that Jon wasn’t coming back. The first year, I was bracing myself for each of the “firsts”: first birthdays, first holidays, first vacations. Once we survived the first year, I was met with the sinking reality that it just doesn’t end.

I had to keep doing this...alone.

That’s when depression started to set in, and my grief became overwhelming.

During the fourth year after Jon passed, I was in a very dark place. I was struggling with anxiety, depression, exhaustion, and my health was suffering. God brought me to this low place to show me that I needed help. I needed community. I needed to be open about my struggles.

He opened the door for us to move closer to family.

At first I hesitated. I had all kinds of reasons why we shouldn’t move, but it wasn’t very long before I could see those reasons were just excuses.

Moving was what I needed to start healing.

God brought people and circumstances into my life that helped me start to process my grief. I had pushed grief down and tried to ignore it, and as I began to unpack my emotions, the grief came out in full force.

But that was what I needed.

I needed to fully grieve Jon in order to find joy again. I needed to surrender that part of my life so God could do His work.

As I began to heal, I noticed feeling lighter in my spirit.

And at first, it alarmed me.

I felt guilty.

Wasn’t I still supposed to be grieving? If I’m feeling joy, does that mean I’m forgetting Jon?

It was hard to process that I could still miss Jon and be happy again.

Over time, God showed me that joy and grief can exist together. One doesn’t cancel out the other. They both can be true at the same time.

And I don’t have to feel guilty for being happy.

I will never stop missing Jon.

That doesn’t mean I’m stuck, and it doesn’t mean I am sad all the time. Jon was such a huge part of my life. I can’t just ignore that.

But just because I still miss Jon, and grief still shows up, doesn’t mean I can’t also have joy.

There is space for both.

Joy does not dishonor grief.

And you don’t have to feel guilty for finding joy in grief.

Psalm 30:5 says, “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

I love this verse because it doesn't tell us that we won't weep. It doesn't tell us that the night won't be long.

It acknowledges the weeping.

But it also reminds us that the weeping isn't the end of the story.

There will be moments when grief feels overwhelming. There will be days when you miss him so much that it takes your breath away. And there will also be moments when you laugh, when you enjoy your children, when you make plans, when you celebrate something, or when you simply feel happy again.

Those moments don't mean you love your husband any less.

They don't mean you've forgotten him.

They don't mean you're “moving on.”

They mean you're living.

And after everything you've been through, it is okay to live.

It is okay to laugh again.

It is okay to look forward to something.

It is okay to make new memories.

It is okay to experience joy.

You don't have to choose between loving the husband you've lost and enjoying the life God has given you now.

You can do both.

Your grief is part of your story, but it doesn't have to be the whole story.

And if joy feels uncomfortable right now, that's okay too. You don't have to force it. You don't have to feel guilty when it comes. Just let yourself receive it.

Because joy isn't a betrayal of the person you've lost.

Joy is a gift from God.

After a very long night, that gift is exactly what we need.

And maybe that is one of the gifts that comes with time.

When you are in the middle of grief, it can be almost impossible to see what God is doing. You are simply trying to survive the day.

But as you begin to heal and move forward, you may find yourself looking back and seeing things you couldn't see before.

You may begin to recognize the people God brought into your life. The doors He opened. The ways He provided. The strength He gave you when you didn't think you had any left. The places where He was faithful, even when you couldn't feel Him.

That’s what I want to talk about in the next post, Looking Back and Seeing God’s Faithfulness.

I created a new resource for anyone walking through grief. It's a Grief Journal that helps you process through your loss. You can find it at my Etsy shop here: Grief Journal for Navigating Loss