What Grief Revealed About My Heart (Continuing to Learn to Trust God After Loss)This March caught me off guard.
Not just because it felt heavy, but because of what God began to show me in the middle of it.
The emotions, the memories, the fatigue are often things that show up during a heavy season.
What I didn’t expect was what was underneath it.
As the month unfolded, I found myself holding my family a little tighter than usual.
My husband.
My kids.
There was this fear of uncertainty I hadn’t fully acknowledged before.
And little by little, God began to bring it into the light.
I realized that I’m still holding onto them.
Not in a healthy, loving way, but in a protective, almost fearful way.
Like if I hold on tightly enough, nothing bad will happen.
But when I really sat with that, I could see what was driving it.
Fear.
Fear that history could repeat itself.
Fear of losing someone I love again.
Fear that I wouldn’t be able to walk through that kind of pain another time.
And if I’m honest?
I don’t think I could.
At least not in my own strength.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” — Proverbs 3:5
That verse has always been familiar. Comforting, even.
But living it out in this area? That’s not easy. Because trusting God with my family means releasing the illusion of control.
It means acknowledging that He is the one who holds their lives, not me.
And that’s hard.
I don’t have this figured out.
I’m not sitting here on the other side of this saying, “Here’s exactly how to surrender this perfectly.”
I’m right in the middle of it.
Becoming aware of it.
Noticing it.
Beginning to loosen my grip, little by little.
Some days it looks like a simple prayer: “Lord, they are Yours. Help me trust You with them.”
Other days, it’s catching myself when fear creeps in and choosing, again, to place them back into His hands.
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” — 1 Peter 5:7
March has reminded me that healing isn’t always about moving past something. Sometimes it’s about uncovering what’s still quietly sitting underneath.
The places where fear has taken root.
The areas where trust isn’t as deep as we thought.
And instead of feeling discouraged by that, I’m trying to see it differently.
This is God’s kindness. He’s not exposing this to shame me. He’s gently showing me where He wants to meet me more deeply. Where He wants to carry what I’ve been trying to hold on my own.
Because the truth is, I was never meant to carry the weight of protecting everyone I love. That responsibility was never mine.
God loves my family more than I ever could.
He sees them.
He holds them.
He is present in every detail of their lives, even the ones I can’t control.
And while that doesn’t erase the fear completely, it gives me somewhere to place it.
I’m still learning.
Still surrendering.
Still coming back to this, again and again.
But I can feel the shift beginning.
Less gripping.
More releasing.
Less striving.
More trust.
And maybe that’s what this heavy month was meant to uncover.
Not just what my body remembers, but where my heart still needs to rest.
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