Moving Past Denial
Transitioning beyond denial is a deeply personal process—one that should not be rushed. For me, it involved recognizing my emotions and allowing myself to feel them fully, without judgment, slowing down my busyness and getting counseling. Allowing myself to be ministered to by others and not pressuring myself to do it all helped me come to grips with the reality of Jon’s death. It didn’t make it any easier, in fact, it became harder in a way, but I began to continue through the grieving process.
Ultimately, moving past denial doesn't mean forgetting or ceasing to feel the loss; instead, it signifies the beginning of engaging with grief in a way that fosters healing and growth. It's about embarking on the path toward acceptance, carrying our memories and love forward with us into whatever lies ahead.
The Dangers of Denial
The danger becomes when we get stuck in denial. We don’t move through this stage and onto the next. Staying in a state of denial may look like:
- Becoming so busy with other things that you don’t have time to process your grief.
- Pretending your loved one is simply away on a trip and will be coming back.
- Refusing to talk about your loved one who has died or even saying their name.
- Minimizing your relationship to the person who has died and the pain you’re feeling.
- Speaking to your loved one who has died in the present tense.
- Self-medicating with alcohol, drugs, or food.
I remember experiencing grief and more specifically denial when Jon was first diagnosed with cancer. I couldn’t believe my 29 year old husband had cancer and tried to explain it away, saying that the doctor made a mistake.
After Jon passed, denial was evidenced by my busyness and putting on a good front when I was around people. I wanted to be able to “handle it”. I kept busy, so I wouldn’t have to face the reality that he really wasn’t coming back, and I was alone.
Read more...Denial
Grief is a complex process and all of us will experience it at some point in our lives. There are five basic stages of grief, and the first stage is denial. Simply put, denial is refusing to believe what actually happened. It’s the feeling of “this can’t be happening”. While you may understand it happened, in your heart you may not fully grasp it.
Denial is different then not understanding the loss you just experienced. It's a mental buffer, providing us with an emotional grace period to slowly absorb and process what has happened. In the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death, the full weight of the grief might be too much to bear. Denial helps us by pacing the reality of the situation, allowing us to take on only as much as we can handle initially.
As a widow, grief is something with which I am very well acquainted. My journey has been up and down, in and out of each of the five stages of grief several times over. I might go through one stage and onto the next, only to backtrack to the previous one. At times I felt my grieving was coming to an end, only to find I was back at square one after a difficult season of life. It’s been messy and often confusing. One thing I have learned through it all is that it takes time. There’s no shortcut with grief.
I have been delaying writing a series on the topic of grief because I wanted to make sure I had enough information and said things the right way. But the Lord has reminded me why He wanted me to start this blog in the first place. It’s to share my story to help other widows, not to have the perfect words. So this series, along with the rest of the blog, will be flawed, but I pray it is beneficial.
Read more...“It’s okay to not be okay, but it’s not okay to give up.” - Unknown
This quote resonates deeply with me as a young widow. Society often misunderstands how to support and treat widows. There is a quickness to judge, and a rush to say “get over it”, or “it’s been long enough. Isn’t it time to move on?” This insensitivity makes it seem as if it’s not okay to not be okay, but the truth is, it IS okay.
No matter how long you’ve been on this grief journey, it’s important to remember that sadness and grief can sneak up on you at different points. You can feel like things are going well, and you are managing your emotions well, and then something will come out of the blue and wreck you. It’s okay. It’s completely normal.
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